Written by Paul J Bucknell on November, 02, 2018
Bringing Harmony to a Marriage
Parenting and Disciplining Children
Below is the step by step process by which we understand and create marital harmony by properly parenting our children. A special area of child discipline is used as an example, but actually, the process can be used with all sorts of differences between a husband and wife. Child discipline along with finances are two of the largest topics for disagreements and arguments among couples.
I have used this approach many times. But remember, it assumes two things which should be true of a couple. (1) The husband and wife should be talking to each other. Many couples, usually due to the husband’s fault, only briefly talk about superficial matters. (2) Both husband and wife are willing to accept the authority of God’s Word. This is important because their opinions often differ from God’s. We need to be able to accept God’s opinion over ours. It is only through this process can we make those needed corrections.
The great part is that it works! Place basic communication and respect for God’s Word in your marriage, and you will see a wonderful improvement in a very short time. The husband and wife are not in competition with each other but strive together, hand in hand, seeking God’s will. The process is outlined below.
Basis for Harmony
The Lord has called the husband and wife to work together as one. “And they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
Challenge to Harmony
Being harmonious is complicated because the husband and wife are two different people. Each has a different background, will, and way. This is further complicated by the fact that ‘opposites attract.’ (This is not a biblical truth but a good observation.)
When it comes to different issues such as parenting, we find the two sides form the classic set-up for an argument. Each side has his and her will and is opposed to the other. Each is loaded with their ideas that they thrust at each other.
Usually, because they are immature, this infighting is intensified by confidence in their poor knowledge. This is further complicated by their willingness to be insensitive rather than gracious to their partner. We must curb any tendency to fight by God’s instruction to love.
The question is, “How can we avoid this infighting?”
How can a married couple operate so that though the husband and wife have different thoughts and backgrounds, they are essentially one in outlook? If they are one in heart and mind, then they will not fight.
This unity of outlook is essential in the area of parenting. Unless there is unity, the husband and wife will be divided over how to manage the child.
Unfortunately, this often gets much worse when the parents start using their children to influence their spouse. This is plain manipulation. The children suffer greatly from this.
Another version of this game is when the child plays one parent against the other to get his or her own selfish way.
In reality, children are literally a beautiful union of the husband and wife. The child is one person but composed of the two. But to be sure, their welfare and strength of life are based on seeing their parents act as one in love.
The solution for harmony, then, is to have a common goal that is outside of them. In this case, they are not struggling with each other but struggling hand in hand to understand and implement this goal.
It is essential that all goals are based on the words and purpose of the Holy Scriptures. The Bible is the design manual for all living including bringing up children. Agree with it. Commit yourself to it. And then work together to bring each area of your marriage and parenting to that goal.
As you commit to the study and practice of God’s Word, your lives will together be shaped into a common biblical perspective. Your children and others around will be encouraged by your unified perspective. The parents and children will both be much happier.
Let’s briefly look at the one area of discipline.
The goal will be to bring up godly men and women who are ready to respond to God’s command no matter what. The way we train our children to respond to authority will be the way they respond to authority. The importance of this fact cannot be overstated.
We have first to do what we are asking them otherwise we are training them not to obey. Does a husband always obey God? Does a wife always submit to her husband in the Lord?
Obedience versus Negotiator
Obedience is when we simply do what we are instructed.
Negotiation is when we go back and forth with the one in authority trying to get our own will.
How many times should a Christian hear instruction from the Lord before he obeys? The answer is, of course, the very first time. This is our goal. Any avoidance of doing what the Lord says is disobedience and brings bad consequences.
We then must look at how we as parents practically train their responses to authority. Why is it that many parents today, even Christian parents, allow a disobedient response from their children even when the scriptures so clearly tell us to train them to obey? “And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph 6:4). If we train them to obey the first time, then they will not have to relearn through many difficult trials and mistakes, later on, that is, if they ever learn.
Have trust in God’s ways. He knows the best. This often means that a couple has to change what they do at certain times. My wife and I spend time together before we go to bed each evening discussing matters of the day and praying. We don’t need to argue. We seek to know God’s will and then pray together that it might happen. How nice it is to have a peaceful marriage!
